Growing up in a very religious home and community, I learned to follow a lot of rules and traditions. In my experience, the Bible was used as a rule book to enforce the set of rules given by church leadership. My young mind received the message that following the rules was pleasing to God, and not following the rules was displeasing to Him. It painted a picture of God as an angry tyrant. I desperately wanted to please God and tried hard to be perfect enough to avoid His wrath. This seemed impossible to do, but it felt like I had no choice.
As a young child I was taught to recite Bible verses that spoke of God’s love, and sing songs like “Jesus Loves Me”, and “God Is So Good”. At some point I became aware that my heart did not feel the truth in those words, or any other words about the love of God. I didn’t feel loved. I felt angry towards God. “Why would God allow a little girl to grow up feeling unloved?!”
I didn’t know how to deal with the pain I felt in my heart. It crushed me and left me feeling defenseless. My pain turned to anger and became one of my survival mechanisms. However, anger did not earn me what I so desperately needed. Since it wasn’t okay to express my anger, I turned it inward and blamed myself for everything. In this way I felt somewhat in control of my “out of control life”. Without me being aware of it, this crippled me even more, as parts inside of me began to die. I now had to fake it in order to survive. The faking mechanism worked much better. I actually convinced myself I had a pretty good life.
As I grew older, I recognized that Christ gave His life for me and I felt compelled to receive Him as my Saviour. However, fear of hell was the driving factor behind it. After accepting Christ as my Saviour, I went through the motions required by my leadership to become a member of the church.
I was hoping for a Holy Spirit encounter at this time, but nothing happened. My life did not change except for the membership requirements I now needed to follow. I was disappointed, and life, once again felt hopeless. I didn’t know why I hated myself, felt like I hated God, and felt like God hated me. I felt frozen. It didn’t make sense, and I didn’t know what else to do. More than anything, I wanted to feel loved. But, I had no idea how to receive love, nor did I have any ability to love.
I had so many questions, but there was no one I could trust to hear my heart and give me Truthful answers. I saw many inconsistencies in the church, but was told to not ask questions. I knew we were not healing the sick, casting out demons, raising the dead, etc. No one was walking in the power of the Holy Ghost as we read about in the Bible.
I had an intense hunger to know the Truth and to know God intimately. In my late 20’s I became so desperate, I told God I would do whatever it takes to achieve that. Little did I know what that would look like. After a lot of asking, seeking, and, knocking, I embarked on a journey. I left my home community and moved to another state, leaving nearly everything behind. During my healing journey I met Jesus and discovered who I really was. It wasn’t very pretty discovering everything that can hide underneath robes of religion.
Removing robe after robe, I uncovered demonic strongholds and belief systems I had formed because of abuse I suffered. I needed healing from Dissociative Identity Disorder, which was caused by traumatic events in my life. Unveiling the truth about my life, finally brought understanding to my heart and mind. Jesus healed my broken pieces and put me back together again. Holy Spirit exposed the lies I believed and replaced them with Truth.
This healing process grew me stronger in all areas of my life, preparing me for my destiny. I didn’t have just “one” encounter that instantaneously transformed me, but a series of encounters that led to freedom. At the time I was attending Global School of Supernatural Ministry, I had a notable encounter with the Living Word of God. It changed my life significantly! I had a revelation of the Father’s Heart like never before, and I was healed of the orphan spirit.
Through discipleship under an anointed mentor I kept growing spiritually, learning to walk in my authority in Christ. I now know I am deeply loved and I love Him! I know my identity in Christ and I have an intimate relationship with Him. I can hear Holy Spirit speaking to me and I know Truth. Instead of sorrow, pain, and sadness, I now have peace, joy, and gladness! The journey wasn’t easy, but it was worth it. I would not trade this precious, powerful peace in my heart for anything in the world!
As I walked through my healing journey I began to hear and recognize the call of God on my life. It is a call to help others find liberty and healing in their lives. This Liberty and Healing is the Person of Jesus Christ.
My journey is not over. He continues to refine me as I lean into Him. I get to spend the rest of my life-time discovering the vastness of Himself, His creation, and everything that is mine because I am an heir of God and a co-heir of Christ! (Romans 8:17)
We are created for relationship with God. Without this relationship, we feel a huge void in our lives. Jesus came to restore this relationship. I bless you with the courage to pursue Jesus with your entirety!
Christina Otto, Prayer Minister