I was raised in a very religious home and in a rigid religious community. Bible stories, Bible memory, Bible doctrines, church rules, and practical tips on how to live, were part of my life for years. In spite of this, I did not know the heart of God; I thought He was angry with me. I did not know the love of Jesus; He seemed like a distant being, who wasn’t that interested in me. Holy Spirit power totally escaped my understanding.
I often felt wicked, but didn’t know how to be good enough. I tried hard! As a young child, I often asked God if He would make me go to hell if I grew up with just a pinprick of darkness in my heart. I had no idea how to know the answer to that question. At 12 years old, I began to feel like I would go to hell if I died. So, I decided to ‘accept’ Jesus and join church. I didn’t know how to develop a relationship with Jesus, so I couldn’t feel His presence. I was hungry for the Holy Spirit. When we were taught about Holy Spirit in preparation for church membership, I asked for Him to come. But I felt no difference. I decided the Spirit would come when I was baptized, but I felt no difference then, either. Discouragement set in and I decided the Christian life was not working out well for me.
As a young child, the feelings of foreboding and sadness were often overshadowing me. I knew little girls should be happy, so I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t. I was afraid much of the time. My fear kept me clinging to my mother and my older siblings. When I wasn’t cowering, I was trying to manipulate and control in order to feel safe. Living out of my frustration and fear tended to get me in trouble, so I learned to cover my true feelings with smiles and “niceness.” As a teenager, I resorted to living in daydreams, often sinful daydreams, in order to divert myself away from the pain in my heart.
During my early adult years, it was important to me to be a good church member. I mastered that skill. Religious pride gave me the strength to “toe the line”. As my sphere of influence broadened, my coping mechanisms were put to the test. Still, I managed it fairly well for a while.
Then, in my 40’s, the pain in my heart became too much for me to deal with. I decided to do the unthinkable and leave the religious community I was a part of. That gave me the freedom to seek help for the pain in my heart. I began the long journey of healing from Dissociative Identity Disorder and becoming free from demonic bondages of religion and Satanic Ritual Abuse. I started to understand the reasons for my pain and fear. I discovered many lies I was believing.
“How did this all change happen?” you ask. The answer is simple. Jesus. His name. His blood. His atonement. Holy Spirit brought light into the dark places. Holy Spirit replaced lies with truth. Holy Spirit led me to the places that Jesus wanted to heal. Slowly I learned of my true identity. Along with identity I began to understand my purpose on earth.
Discipleship under a gifted and empowered mentor also made a big contribution to my recovery. Through discipleship, I discovered that I can partner with God in things He wants to do in me and in the earth. I no longer feel like and orphan or insignificant.
Now I know peace that destroys chaos. Tears of sorrow have been replaced by laughter and tears of joy. Jesus is my friend. I love hanging out with Holy Spirit, listening to His secrets. I know the comfort and assurance of being in Father God’s lap. At times my soul is filled with holy silence before a Holy God.
This does not mean that I have arrived. I am still learning more of God and His ways. I am still learning to cooperate more fully with Holy Spirit. I am still learning how to access all that Jesus made available to me. It is a wonderful journey!
My message to you, is that every journey begins with a single step. Then another, and another. The path is not all uphill, downhill, or straight. But when you are pursuing the heart of God, it is always heading in the right direction. I bless you with the courage to take that first step.
Karen Sensenig, Prayer Minister